Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A Lot Like Love

I have this theory. Or maybe it's one of my weird quirks, but if I date someone, no matter if it's one date or 10 dates, after it's over I have to get rid of the bad juju. Weird right?


We all know I love to eat out so when given the choice if I'm planning a date (which I'm always doing lately because I live in the dating world of "whatever you want to do") I want to go to my favorite places which causes a problem in my brain later. Why? Because now when I think of that place the last time I went there was either on a bad date or on a good date that didn't pan out. So as soon as either one of those things happen I immediately try to revisit those places with someone I love to remove my bad date (or bad relationship) juju. 


This last guy, although short lived, I can't get out of my brain. It's like the bad juju is following me everywhere and I can't shake it. I went to all the places we went (minus one because it's expensive and in Clayton and although it was wonderful I don't know anyone who would eat bone marrow with me and split a $65 bottle of wine so I'll just avoid it until the end of time). But still here he is. Invading my thoughts. And making days that would just be normal pleasant days a little bit grey.


And because I'm me, I have to over analyze and then psycho analyze why I'm feeling this way. And I think I figured it out. It's because he genuinely talked to me. He wanted to know me, the real me. Probably for the first time in 6 years I was completely just me with somebody other than my friends and family. I said what I thought and felt at every turn. I was open and honest about everything. I was vulnerable. It felt great. So obviously the fact that the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that laid it out on the table was rejected might just take a little time to get over. And I should probably give myself a break about it.


I promised myself that this season of life was about love. And me beating myself up over the could haves and should haves is not love. Me wishing for something to be different is not love. Me letting my days be crabby because of this situation is not love.


When I was in the midst of this short lived situation I felt happy and wonderful. And part of that was of course, because of him and the way he was treating me. But I also think a part of why I felt that way was because of me. Because I was completely and totally me. So I'm reaching for that girl again. I'm finding her and nurturing her voice, her honesty and her truth. Because that for sure looks a lot like love.


You know what else looks a lot like love? Buying myself some flowers. Cause I'm worth it!

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