Becoming Love

Change is so hard for me. Transition is so hard for me. But do you know what's worse? Being stuck. Stuck in a pattern of life you can't seem to get out of. Stuck in a mindset that always invades your thoughts. Wanting to move forward but not knowing how or where to start. But about a month ago I took the first small step into a new season of life.

 

If I'm honest with myself the last season of my life would probably be called Lonely, Lazy and Loveless... And I put myself there. I willingly stepped into that season and let it consume me. While it was happening I knew I was getting deeper into it, but I just rode the wave down. I hadn't truly had a season like this since my early 20's. My anxiety was building over everyday things. The depression that I hadn't seen since that time was invading it's way back in from time to time. But this time was different than the last time. Because although it invaded I was still in control. I looked my Anxiety, Loneliness and Depression square in the eyes and said hello. I acknowledged them every time they showed up. And I felt everything they made me feel without shame. And then I would do everything in my power to usher them out the door. I would let those feelings wash through me and over me but I would never let them stay. But of course one night, the dam broke. Because you can only fight something by yourself for so long. Luckily my sister was there to pull me into her boat. Sometimes you just need someone to say they understand.

 

So as of this past Saturday I officially said "Peace Out" to that season of life and am fully embracing the new season. I was going to call this new season Becoming. But after already being in it for 3 days I've decided it's going to be called Becoming Love. Because in the 3 days I've been with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew I've seen love and lots of it. It's all about becoming my best self, loving myself, and loving the people that surround me. (And if some romantic love came in the picture I wouldn't object to that at all...) This season feels like joy already.

 

I read recently that the words you use become the house you live in. So Becoming Love is the house I want to live in. What house do you want to live in?

Ingrained In My Soul

One of the best things I've ever done for myself and my faith was to start working with the student ministry at Christ Church. I'm at the beginning of my 3rd year of volunteering with them. And I love it. I, with my amazing friend Caitlin, lead the senior girls. Every week it's a new adventure.

Sometimes it's hard. Hard because my 31 year old self still remembers what it's like to be a teenage girl navigating through life and faith. Hard because there are questions I sometimes don't know the answers to. Hard because although I can remember being a teenager, I wasn't a teenager living in a social media world which only adds to the pressure of being a girl and keeping your beliefs and morals intact.

But mostly it's rewarding. It's rewarding seeing the girls love Jesus with their whole hearts. It's rewarding when they answer a question and I realize how grounded their faith is. It's rewarding when I see them reach out to each other in ways you do when only complete trust is there. It's rewarding watching them be completely themselves and you know they feel like they're in a "safe place" when they're with you.

I'm always looking to improve the ways we lead the group. Looking for ways to be more vulnerable with the girls so they in turn will be more vulnerable with us. I'm always hunting for new ideas to equip them for life outside of our group. I want to challenge them and prepare them as much as possible for next year when I won't see them once a week. I know most of them will go away to school and our goal has always been for them to leave us with a love for Jesus that can get them through life, because life is hard.

This year I started something new. Every week after our fearless leader Robb finishes the lesson we break into small groups. He gives us questions to go over. But before we start in with the questions Caitlin and I hand everyone a blank note card and some markers. We then give them a verse to write down. I read it slowly, they write it out, then because we're girls we, of course, decorate the note card to make it cute. They decorate while we go through the lesson questions. Then at the end they take the verse home with them.

Caitlin and I tell them that we want them to put it up somewhere. Somewhere they'll see it every day. Somewhere they'll read it every day. Car, bedroom door, bathroom mirror, etc. Our hope is that these verses became ingrained in their souls. That at times of good and times of bad they will remember that God is in control. At times of light and dark they will remember that God loves them. That their soul will always be able to find peace even in unrest because these verses will shape their outlook and complement their faith.

The funny thing that has happened though is that every week while the girls write out the verse, I write it out also. Then every Wednesday night when I get home I grab some tape and climb up on my bathroom sink (short people problems) and place the newest verse up around my bathroom mirror where I'll see it everyday. And every day while I brush my teeth and wash my face I read the verses. Suddenly those are the verses that are getting me through crabby moments at work. Those are the verses that are getting me through feeling discouraged about my dating life. Those verses are the verses that I read over and over on Sunday evening while praying for friends whose hearts are breaking with grief right now. Those verses that I hoped would become ingrained in the girls souls are the verses that are becoming ingrained in mine.

My bathroom mirror

Isn't it funny how God works? My goal was to encourage the girls and get as much scripture as possible to permeate their hearts but in turn it's done the same for me.

Signed: #christchurchgirlslovinggod

A Dating Update

Some lovely friends of mine have been asking for an update lately.

My summer was all weird dating experiences so I'll give a rundown of the gentleman I met.

The Lawyer- I was originally impressed with him right out of the gate. We talked for a couple days and then he asked to meet up for a drink. We decided to meet at Global Brew. As soon as I saw him I knew it probably wouldn't be a love connection cause he was not my type and I don't think I was his. But there didn't seem to be anything wrong with having a drink and making a connection even if it was just as friends. Apparently I was wrong... As soon as the waitress brought my drink and said that it was $5 he immediately looked out the window pretending to be completely interested in the bird that just flew by, basically to avoid paying. (Sidenote: I am more than capable of buying my own drinks, but I think that if someone asks me out they should most definitely pay. Or at least not fake seeing something out the window to avoid paying. You all may not agree with that, but I am daily around great men who have always told me that chivalry is not dead. Part of being a man is providing so I fully expect that if YOU ask me on a date you will step up to the plate, be a man, and provide. End rant.) Things just got weird from there. He bragged about how much he travels for work and how much money he makes. I continued to bring the conversation to neutral easy topics. Then he acted like it was ridiculous that I started at my job as a teller and through hard work moved up the ladder. Apparently no one is anyone who hasn't just walked right into a management position somewhere. Needless to say I drank my one drink very fast. As we're leaving we walk out to the elevator and I press the down button. He then says "It was nice meeting you, but I'm taking the stairs." Obviously I was so repulsive that he couldn't even ride the elevator one floor down with me. I looked back at him and said, "No worries, I'll just wait right here and wait for you to leave the building so we don't have to see each other downstairs." And that was The Lawyer.

The Financial Analyst- I actually went on three dates with this guy. They were all decent dates. He was nice, funny and we had a good time together. The problem was I wouldn't hear from him at all between the dates that were all at least a week a part if not a couple. So basically I always felt like I was a side thought or option. He didn't treat me badly when we were together and he was nothing but respectful, but there were literally no phone calls or texts in between except to arrange a date. And before anyone asks, yes I did reach out to him. But he would reply to my texts with one word or sentence and usually hours later. And the one time I tried to call him to have an actual conversation he didn't answer. So yeah... I don't want to be smothered by any means, but hearing from someone in between dates is a definite must.

The Grad Student- This is the perfect example of most of my interactions while online dating. We started talking back and forth. He seemed to have lots of the qualities I'm looking for. We talked for a couple weeks. Long extensive messages. Lots of joking and lots of "Oh cool! Me too!". But he never made any move to ask me out or imply that a date was ever going to be in the works. I literally had the coolest and most fun pen pal ever! I could justify the pen pal thing for awhile because he was busy with grad school... And obviously living 5 min away from me made things extra super difficult to meet up because of that long drive to see each other. (Can you sense my sarcasm???) And then basically he just quit talking to me. As in one message we're talking about brunch and then the next message... Crickets. I guess he didn't like that my favorite brunch food is crab cake benedict? Who knows?

Every Other Guy- Any halfway normal guy that I've started talking to just quits talking out of the blue. And all the other messages I get are from weirdos. These are the opening lines most commonly used these days:
"Hot"
"You in a little black dress. Me taking you on the most romantic date of your life." (I've gotten this same message from the same guy 4 times this summer. He has no picture up. I assume every time that he's a serial killer.)
"Wanna chat?"
"Wanna hang out?"
"How do you feel about guys who like feet?" (I've gotten this message three different times from the same guy.)
"Sexy"
"Hi"

This is what I'm working with. I joke about it a lot, but if I'm being completely honest it's been hard lately. I'm trying to do my absolute best to have patience. I'm doing my absolute best to trust that God is in control. But it's hard. It's hard to trust. It's hard to not feel like the absolute one thing I want most in life is never going to happen. It's hard not to be discouraged. But I'm trying my best. Trying to concentrate on doing things that make me happy, surrounding myself with people that love me, and searching out new people and new experiences. I'm hoping that if I do those things they will one day lead me to the man that I'll spend the rest of my life with.

Signed: Have a little faith...

Living Life in the Gray

I tend to be an all or nothing person. I don't do things halfway.

And I'm kind of realizing that's not necessarily a good thing. Because when you're all in you tend to get burnt out. Exhausted. You give up. You tend to beat yourself up after one mistake or slip up.

I either eat clean or I eat junk.

I either workout 5 days a week or I don't work out at all.

I either keep everything in it's place or I'm a messy disaster.

I either like you or I don't.

I'm either excited about a date or I'm not.

I'm either blogging a couple times a week or not at all.

I'm either reading my Bible and doing devotions everyday or I'm not submerged in the Word at all.

Is anyone else like this? Or is it just me?

So how and where do I find balance? How do I move myself from an all or nothing to someone who can do things halfway. Life is not black and white. My feelings and emotions and motivations don't have to be black and white. Gray is good. Gray means balance.

And that's what I'm striving for now.

Gray.

Balance.

Signed: How do you find balance in your life?

Back to Reality

Vacation was ah-mazing! So relaxing. So fun. So lovely.

But here's the problem... Since we've been home I've kept my vacation state of mind. Obviously I've been working, but other then that I've continued to relax every night after work aka I've been realllll lazy. I've eaten out almost every meal aka not eating healthy at all. And on top of that Lindsay and I have been planning to switch bedrooms since before vacation and every time we've had plans to do it something has come up aka I'm living in limbo because half my room is packed up.

My life is unbalanced and out of whack!

As much as I loved vacation I'm not in Cancun anymore. I'm in Edwardsville. I've got to pull it together. I've felt so blah and my self-esteem is in the crapper. I know that's a direct correlation between eating crap food and being lazy. It's got to stop!

Today I'm getting out of limbo.

Today I'm going grocery shopping.

Today I'm getting stuff done.

Today I'm bringing myself back to reality.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Signed: This girl cannot and will not be a hot mess anymore!

The Cure For Anything...

About 4 years ago around this time I was still reeling from the biggest loss of my life. I was still full on in the grieving process and didn't think I'd ever make it out and find "normal" again. About this time the friends and I were in the middle of planning our first Friend Family Vacation. This vacation brought me back to life.

It was our second day on the beach in Destin, FL. It was so hot out and so beautiful. We were swimming and laughing in the ocean and I suddenly got teary. For the first time since December 2009, I felt joy. Joy that I was alive. Joy that I had people in my life that loved me. Joy that life would be ok. Joy at knowing I finally felt like I was allowed to be happy and live a good life because that was what Matty would have wanted for me.

Destin, FL 2010

The next year we took our 2nd Friend Family Vacation to Ft Lauderdale, FL. When we left for that trip I was feeling much more myself, but needless to say I hadn't got back into the dating world again yet. The thought of meeting someone new was overwhelming and although I had been working out lots and had lost weight I was feeling all kinds of insecure. I decided before we left that I was leaving all the crap at home and was so excited to just be with my friends. A week of laughs, sunshine, and the ocean once again brought be back to life. Suddenly I had confidence. Confidence in myself to be flirty. Confidence in myself to dress cute. Confidence in my crazy curly hair. Confident that it was time to start dating again.

Cute Boys in Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

Best Friends Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

The summer after that we took our first BIG family vacation, a 7 day cruise. We were celebrating my dad's retirement and this was the first vacation we took since reuniting with Sara. Our whole trip was definitely full of making lots of memories! It was a care free week of family time and it was much needed. I left that trip feeling so much love. Love for my family. Love for making memories. Love for 7 course meals. And a newfound love for chocolate melting cake. 

Family Pictures Take 5 2012

Grand Cayman Beach 2012

Last summer Lindsay and I wanted to take a vacation but it wasn't a good time for the Friend Family so we decided to go by ourselves! We found a travel agent and booked a trip to Riviera Maya. I was so excited for a week of relaxing. My life was in transition during that time so a week of sand and sun was just what I needed. I came home refreshed and super relaxed. It was a great week.

Besties and Roomies 2013

Storm Clouds Moving Out 2013

Reading By The Pool 2013

So here I am only 3 days out from another trip to the ocean and I can't wait. I need a break from life, a break from continuous technology, a break from work, and a break from worrying about anything. I'm ready for my only priority to be finishing my current beach read and deciding on the next fruity drink to order. I'm ready to unwind and refocus on what brings me joy, what makes me confident and what brings me love. 

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." 

Signed: Cancun here I come!!!

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Where have I been??? Seriously why must I royally SUCK at keeping up with my blogging. I have no good reason or excuse except that I just haven't taken the time to do it. So on that note...

I went on a date last Sunday. And it was the most horrible 50 mins ever.

Actually I'll give the guy some credit, while I was sitting in the parking lot and saw him first pull up, it wasn't bad. Then he got out of his SUV and I knew we would probably not be a match. But I am me and I've been trying really hard lately to look beyond my checklist and step out of my box so I figured one afternoon and a couple drinks wouldn't do me any harm. I was wrong.

If I wrote all the gory details it would take forever so I guess I'll just give the highlight reel:
*I was asked what my salary was.
*I was asked how much I had in liquid assets.
*I was not complimented once but watched him check out the waitress and then comment on her "rocking hot body".
*I was told his parent's are "extremely wealthy" so money isn't an issue and hasn't been his whole life.
*I was asked to go to a hotel so we could "play".
*Then I was asked if Lindsay and I are lesbians and/or if we share men. When I said no to both he then said hearing anymore about my roommate was pointless because she is of no use to him now.
*I was told his two German Shepards are man eaters and will kill anyone on command.

And this is about the moment the date was over. Thank goodness!

Everyone has asked if I went off on him but honestly while it was actually happening I was in such shock that I didn't really react at all. As I drove home though I got more and more upset about his behavior. I'd never been treated like that before. Ever. I'd never been around anyone so arrogant and so entitled in my whole life. It was crazy! I felt dirty and unsettled the rest of the night. In fact, I still feel a little unsettled right now.

So after a date so bad where do I go from here? Honestly I have no idea and I've felt like I'm at a loss all week. It's made me a bit more leery of doing online dating. It's a little more scary to me now. Just how someone could be so nice and normal and then be a complete and total creep in an instant.

So I think it's time to spend a couple weeks reflecting and praying. Focusing on what I want and what makes me happy. And reminding myself not to compromise on what I want, but also to keep my heart open.

Signed: Is this real life?