The Cure For Anything...

About 4 years ago around this time I was still reeling from the biggest loss of my life. I was still full on in the grieving process and didn't think I'd ever make it out and find "normal" again. About this time the friends and I were in the middle of planning our first Friend Family Vacation. This vacation brought me back to life.

It was our second day on the beach in Destin, FL. It was so hot out and so beautiful. We were swimming and laughing in the ocean and I suddenly got teary. For the first time since December 2009, I felt joy. Joy that I was alive. Joy that I had people in my life that loved me. Joy that life would be ok. Joy at knowing I finally felt like I was allowed to be happy and live a good life because that was what Matty would have wanted for me.

Destin, FL 2010

The next year we took our 2nd Friend Family Vacation to Ft Lauderdale, FL. When we left for that trip I was feeling much more myself, but needless to say I hadn't got back into the dating world again yet. The thought of meeting someone new was overwhelming and although I had been working out lots and had lost weight I was feeling all kinds of insecure. I decided before we left that I was leaving all the crap at home and was so excited to just be with my friends. A week of laughs, sunshine, and the ocean once again brought be back to life. Suddenly I had confidence. Confidence in myself to be flirty. Confidence in myself to dress cute. Confidence in my crazy curly hair. Confident that it was time to start dating again.

Cute Boys in Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

Best Friends Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

The summer after that we took our first BIG family vacation, a 7 day cruise. We were celebrating my dad's retirement and this was the first vacation we took since reuniting with Sara. Our whole trip was definitely full of making lots of memories! It was a care free week of family time and it was much needed. I left that trip feeling so much love. Love for my family. Love for making memories. Love for 7 course meals. And a newfound love for chocolate melting cake. 

Family Pictures Take 5 2012

Grand Cayman Beach 2012

Last summer Lindsay and I wanted to take a vacation but it wasn't a good time for the Friend Family so we decided to go by ourselves! We found a travel agent and booked a trip to Riviera Maya. I was so excited for a week of relaxing. My life was in transition during that time so a week of sand and sun was just what I needed. I came home refreshed and super relaxed. It was a great week.

Besties and Roomies 2013

Storm Clouds Moving Out 2013

Reading By The Pool 2013

So here I am only 3 days out from another trip to the ocean and I can't wait. I need a break from life, a break from continuous technology, a break from work, and a break from worrying about anything. I'm ready for my only priority to be finishing my current beach read and deciding on the next fruity drink to order. I'm ready to unwind and refocus on what brings me joy, what makes me confident and what brings me love. 

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." 

Signed: Cancun here I come!!!

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Where have I been??? Seriously why must I royally SUCK at keeping up with my blogging. I have no good reason or excuse except that I just haven't taken the time to do it. So on that note...

I went on a date last Sunday. And it was the most horrible 50 mins ever.

Actually I'll give the guy some credit, while I was sitting in the parking lot and saw him first pull up, it wasn't bad. Then he got out of his SUV and I knew we would probably not be a match. But I am me and I've been trying really hard lately to look beyond my checklist and step out of my box so I figured one afternoon and a couple drinks wouldn't do me any harm. I was wrong.

If I wrote all the gory details it would take forever so I guess I'll just give the highlight reel:
*I was asked what my salary was.
*I was asked how much I had in liquid assets.
*I was not complimented once but watched him check out the waitress and then comment on her "rocking hot body".
*I was told his parent's are "extremely wealthy" so money isn't an issue and hasn't been his whole life.
*I was asked to go to a hotel so we could "play".
*Then I was asked if Lindsay and I are lesbians and/or if we share men. When I said no to both he then said hearing anymore about my roommate was pointless because she is of no use to him now.
*I was told his two German Shepards are man eaters and will kill anyone on command.

And this is about the moment the date was over. Thank goodness!

Everyone has asked if I went off on him but honestly while it was actually happening I was in such shock that I didn't really react at all. As I drove home though I got more and more upset about his behavior. I'd never been treated like that before. Ever. I'd never been around anyone so arrogant and so entitled in my whole life. It was crazy! I felt dirty and unsettled the rest of the night. In fact, I still feel a little unsettled right now.

So after a date so bad where do I go from here? Honestly I have no idea and I've felt like I'm at a loss all week. It's made me a bit more leery of doing online dating. It's a little more scary to me now. Just how someone could be so nice and normal and then be a complete and total creep in an instant.

So I think it's time to spend a couple weeks reflecting and praying. Focusing on what I want and what makes me happy. And reminding myself not to compromise on what I want, but also to keep my heart open.

Signed: Is this real life?

Throw Your Plans Out The Window

Have you ever been able to look back on your life and exactly pinpoint the moment that everything changed?

My dad did that for me on Easter Sunday. I was at lunch with mom, dad and Joe. We were talking about church and how good the service had been that morning. We were mostly chatting about how much we all love being a part of Christ Church (mom and dad with the CM campus, me with the youth and Joe with softball). We were also talking about how thankful we were for all the good friends we've made and how the church has brought so many good people and experiences into our lives.

And then my dad said something that I can't quit thinking about, "Just think, if I would have gotten the Triad job we wouldn't be where we are today." That one statement blew me away.

About 10 years ago (maybe 8 or 11) my dad was working as the Asst Superintendent of the Triad School District. His best friend was the superintendent and had decided to retire. It seemed only natural that my dad would get his job. For reasons I still don't understand, he didn't. To say it was a slap in the face to my family would be an understatement. You see, my dad is the greatest educator I've ever known. No one loves teaching more than him. There is no one kinder or more generous than my dad. I was insulted and hurt (possibly more than him). I had always planned on my parent's living in Troy forever. I wanted to live in Troy forever. It is a great community filled with great people (contrary to what you see/read on the Troy fb page) and I couldn't imagine my family living anywhere else.

To make a long story short, my dad worked in two great districts after that. He bounced back from not getting the job. He got to end his career surrounded by amazing teachers and working with an amazing school board. My parent's moved to Fairview and live in a great neighborhood. But I, still kind of held a grudge. My plans for my family were ruined by a group of 7 people and I still was a little bitter about it.

Then in one sentence spoken by my dad on an Easter Sunday 10 years later my grudge turned into grateful. I know we never would have decided to go to Christ Church if my parent's hadn't moved to Fairview. One decision by a group of 7 people completely changed the trajectory of my faith walk. One decision by a group of 7 people put some of the greatest friends I've ever had in my life. One decision by a group of 7 people means that every Wed and every other Sun I get to hang with the coolest and smartest high school kids I know. One decision changed my path in one of the most significant ways possible. The word "no" was turned into the biggest "yes" my family has ever said.

That God of ours, He knows what He's doing.

Signed: After 31 years I'm still blown away by how much I'm not in control.

The Problem With Texting

I went on a date earlier this week. It was a guy I met online which seems to be the only way to meet people anymore.

I feel like my whole experience with this guy is a perfect example of how technology makes dating much harder than it used to be.

Since we met online obviously we started out with messages back and forth. From there he asked for my number and we dove straight into texting. Lots of texting. For a couple weeks, only texting. He skirted around the idea of a date a couple times, but he never came out and asked me out. It was always asking me what I was doing and then saying how extremely busy I was. But never actually asking me out. He did end up calling me one night and we talked for awhile. Again, I didn't get asked out.

(Side Note: I'm sure some of you are thinking that I should have asked him out myself or called him or taken control. I'm sorry, but I'm old school and not doing that. I've tried it before and that doesn't work for me. The guy I want to be with will be a take control kind of guy and won't need me to ask him out.)

Finally after another week of texting he asked if I wanted to "hang out" and get a drink. (Yes, I got the "hang out" question which has become the oh so popular way of asking someone out.) I told him I would go on a date with him to get a drink.

We made plans to meet in Soulard for a drink.

(Second Side Note: I actually went on a date with a really nice guy awhile ago. He lived in St Louis and was more than willing to drive to my house, pick me up, and take me to dinner here in Edwardsville. He was a super cool guy and we had a lot of fun. It wasn't good timing for us, but he definitely was a true gentleman. He showed me what an actual good date looks like. Needless to say he moved my dating bar up. If you don't believe you meet people for a reason this is my perfect example of that.)

Soulard is about 30 mins away from my house. Which is no big deal if we were meeting in the middle, but it was only 5 mins from his house. So... Why was I doing all the driving?

I showed up right on time and he was already there. As I walked in he didn't get up, didn't hug me (which is what people usually do), didn't even shake my hand. And the first thing he said to me was some sarcastic comment about how he assumed I would be late because I'm a girl. *sigh*

The date wasn't terrible. It just wasn't awesome. Honestly I could have been having drinks with anyone. Nothing about it felt like a date at all. He gave no indication that he was into me. He was sarcastic most of the evening. He never once complimented me on anything (not that I need a million compliments but one tiny little compliment would have made me feel a little better about how things were going). He paid for my 2 drinks. We went home. I heard from him a little the next day, but nothing since.

So here is the thing. I'm confident he wasn't into me. That's ok because I wasn't into him. But the biggest problem is that before we got together our conversation flowed easily. Was that because it was through text? I would assume so. Through text his sarcastic comments were followed by a ":)" so I didn't find them awkward or rude. I'm sure he would have some complaint about me. I don't want to seem like I have no flaws and am perfect at dating... I have flaws and I'm still feeling my way blindly through the dating scene. I just really think the weeks of texting made us feel closer than we really were. It made us both start to like the person we encountered through these texts and not the real person. When we got together it felt like an awkward let down. You can only talk about so much through texting and through texts we were both witty, light, and easy going. In person we weren't compatible at all. It's disappointing.

I just think all in all, we're going about this dating thing wrong. I think light texting is ok, but phone calls would be better. I think first dates should happen as soon as possible because the only way you can figure out if you really like someone or click with someone is in person. Texting or constant emails back and forth seem so fake. You can't feel chemistry or attraction through a couple sentences of bad spelling and not punctuation.

Do you agree with this?

Have you ever had this same experience?

Non-single friends, what's your opinion on dating these days?

Dating is such a learning experience for me and I'm trying to better with each new person I go out with. But I'm not going to lie, I'm ready for a first date to lead to more dates instead of leading to nothing.

Signed: The girl who is searching for Mr. Right For Me! Where are you???

The Struggle is Real

I love food. I love to cook. I love inventing new recipes. I love feeding my family. I love entertaining. If I won the lottery tomorrow after putting in the time to make sure that my office was taken care of and everyone was trained properly I would quit my job and go to culinary school. Probably in Tuscany.

If you are anything like me you understand that the struggle to diet is a real struggle for me. Not because I can't give up taco bell and pepsi (although that's hard too, but probably more so because of all the chemicals I've become addicted to in fast food and the sugar that has a tendency to rule your life in soda) but because I love food. It's hard for me to eat things plain jane. It's hard for me to just eat chicken breasts and green beans. (If only I could lose weight by eating my bruschetta chicken with fresh buffalo mozzarella melted on top of it and a side of garlicky green beans... *sigh*)

I love to eat out. But I'm not talking chain restaurants. I'm talking about the amazing local restaurants that cook with fresh ingredients, use lots of veggies, only have farm raised and antibiotic free meat, but also tend to use heavy cream and lots of bacon (in everything).

So although this is definitely a first world problem, the struggle is real for me.

I think I've lost about 8lbs in the past couple weeks. Honestly I'm head over heels in love with Advocare. Their vitamins and supplements have made me feel better than I've felt in years, but I probably would be down more lbs if I was being much more strict with myself. But I have to find balance. I can't live in one extreme or the other. I have to live in the middle.

What does that mean? To me it means that I have to keep laying off the fast food and soda or other sugary drinks, including starbucks (I told you the struggle was real!). It means I'm eating at home everyday for lunch. It means Linds and I cook dinner most nights during the week. Dinners that include more veggies and less pasta or carbs. It means I keep getting up at 6am everyday to start my morning with a workout and that I need to start adding gym time in the evenings to do weights and a bit more cardio. It means when I do eat out I need to be eating at only the local restaurants that I love and I know where their ingredients come from. It means I'll still eat dairy because my goodness goat cheese and bleu cheese are my two favorite ingredients. It means I will probably keep drinking red wine when I'm out to dinner. It also means I can take my love for cooking and use the organic produce delivery we get every week and do something super creative with it.

I need to keep pushing forward. Keep loving myself. Keep carrying myself with confidence. Keep realizing that it doesn't matter if I weight 130lbs or 300lbs, that this body is mine forever and it's capable of love and generosity. But in that very same nature this body is mine forever and I need to take care of it and respect it.

Life can't be lived in one extreme or the other. A good life is lived with balance.

Signed: The girl who is searching every day for her balance.

Treat Yourself Tuesday

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and I keep running across this idea of "Treat Yourself Tuesday".

I've decided I love it! And I'm implementing it in my life. It's especially perfect because Tuesday is my weigh in day so there couldn't be a better day to treat myself a little bit.

I think as women we tend to not treat ourselves very often... Or ever! And I think that just plain sucks! I don't know why we do this. Why we tend to put everyone and everything above doing something a little nice for ourselves? Literally every women I know does this. And it doesn't seem to get any better the older we get. It seems that as soon as we have kiddos treating ourselves goes completely out the window. (I know I don't have children yet so I am in no way shape or form judging anyone who does have kids...I'm just making an observation.) But you know what I think? I think everyone deserves to treat themselves to something good or nice or whatever makes them happy. So I'm on a personal mission to start making the women around me do that!

What did my first Treat Yourself Tuesday look like? It looked like 11 hours of work where I was stuck in walmart and couldn't even leave for lunch. Obviously that posed a problem, so this is what I did: Since I was in walmart I was able to get the ingredients to try and replicate my favorite salad. I may have made it and ate it out of a paper bowl in our vault room, but because it had egg and prosciutto in it, I was treating myself. And tonight (as I'm writing this) I'm sitting on the couch with a face mask on. (If I wasn't on Day 8 of my cleanse I would definitely be enjoying a glass of wine but... No wine for me tonight!) I felt like I had a little extra pep in my step today because I knew I was coming home to a face mask tonight and had a delicious healthy lunch. I think my first Treat Yourself Tuesday was a success!

Here is my challenge to all of you: Start doing a Treat Yourself Tuesday! And then comment on my Treat Yourself Tuesday blogs with what you did. I'd love to hear how you all treat yourself and what makes you happy. I'll also be posting my stuff on Instagram with #treatyourselftuesday (jess_loftus) and also on Twitter (messiejessie2). Also, encourage the women closest to you to participate too! We all deserve it!

Advocare Update: I'm officially down 4.4lbs (In 7 days! I'll take it!). I have TONS of energy and feel better than I've felt in months. The healthy eating is getting much easier but today was a bit of a challenge because all the bad food I wanted was right in front of me. I stayed strong though and didn't fall off the wagon. So far, Advocare is a success for me!

Signed: The girl who is learning to love herself a little bit more everyday.

I'm baaaaaack

Geeeeez, I completely suck and have fallen off the writing wagon lately. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses as to why I've been so lazy but instead I'll just give the bullet points of what's been going on in my life.

Since I last wrote a blog:
*I turned 31. Crazy! It doesn't feel any different.
*I've lost like 10ish lbs. (More on that later.)
*I had a super fun weekend at the Lake with Linds (the bestie/roommate) and Courtney (the bestie from work).
*I went to a youth conference with some of the students from church. So good and uplifting!
* I got SUPER sick! Like more sick than I've been in a long time. It was miserable.
*Linds, my sis, bro in law, some friends of their's and I booked a trip to Jamaica in October! Woop! So Cancun in June and Jamaica in October... Can't wait!!!
*I've been on 3 first dates and no second dates. Blah! All of them were a bust but two have pretty good stories so I'll definitely write about those soon.

And I think that's the highlights... Life's been good. I'm so ready for some warm weather though.

So what's the current project/goal? Advocare. I started their 24 Day Challenge last Tuesday. And it's going good so far. Although I have to admit Days 5 and 6 (yesterday and today) I've been craving pretty much every bad food I can think of. Can you say Taco Bell and cheesy pizza??? But I've stuck with it and can already tell a bit of a difference in my body and just my overall energy. I took before pics and will take the after pics and post them when I'm all done. (Oh and to make me completely neurotic I'm also logging my food through weight watchers. Only I would be eating clean but logging my points while doing it.) Basically I want to lose weight and I'm hoping this kicks me into gear and gets me to start clean eating 90% of the time.

The other goal is to WRITE MORE!!!

Signed: The girl who needs to get back to what she loves.