Surrender

Two of my closest friends and I were talking the other night about our fears. Mostly about what makes us anxious or keeps us up at night. They were all different things. As we took turns sharing our fears we also took turns reassuring each other. It's funny how I can listen to my friend's fears and think that they are irrational and crazy, but when it comes to the things that make me anxious they are so real and not irrational at all. 

I won't share my friend's fears because what we all said was said over a few glasses of wine at my kitchen table in the stillness of night and it was all said in confidence. But I will share my fears because in my quest to write more it means I need to be more vulnerable.

Mostly I'm anxious about having/wanting control. I don't worry about things going wrong. I worry about things not going exactly right. Or in better words, I worry about things not going how I have them planned out in my mind. I worry about not having perfect moments because you never know when you won't have anymore moments. And as I'm typing this, that all seems irrational and like these are the words of a crazy person. But it's true fear. It's what makes me anxious. It's the root of all my insecurity. If you read my journal you would see mostly prayers asking God to take this fear from me. Asking for more of Him and less of me. Begging for my faith to be bigger than any of my fears. Prayers of surrender and giving up the fight for control of my life. Because ultimately we all know I'm not in control. 

I came across this quote today from the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it's my new prayer. "“Dear Lord, please show me everything I need to understand about forgiveness and surrender." And I'm going to say it and write it a thousand times everyday until I learn to forgive and I learn to surrender. 

So my question to all of you is, what do you fear? What makes you anxious? And are you will to let go of that fear? 

Signed: The girl who needs to learn to be still and surrender.

A constant reminder that I need to wear more.