Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Day That Heaven Touched Earth

My brother got married this past weekend. And it was beautiful. Beautiful in the sense that I know Heaven touched earth on a rainy and cloudy afternoon in May. Not only did we see it in the sushine that showed it's face only for a brief moment of the wedding ceremony but I saw it in other ways too. 

 

I saw it as Jessica (yes, my new sister in law and I share not only a first name now but a last name too) stood in the rain taking pictures. Any other bride I know would have been panicking about her hair or makeup. And possibly on any other day she would have, but not that day. I saw it her eyes that a little rain shower wasn't going to ruin a second of that day. She was determined to enjoy every moment. She smiled, she laughed and she said screw the umbrella. I think she would have danced in a thunderstorm if it meant she got to marry my brother. 

 

I saw it as I watched my brother and his groomsmen taking pictures together. I've known the majority of those guys since they were kiddos and it was a very cool moment to watch them all joke and laugh so hard together. I couldn't hear what they were saying (and probably didn't want to), but I know anyone could look at them all together and know they will be friends for life. My dad told me on Sunday about how just hearing all the groomsmen being in my parent's basement hanging out the day of the wedding made his heart want to burst open. I think it's because there is just something about watching little boys who used to play 3 Ninjas together turn into men who face life head on together that just hits you right deep down in your soul.

 

I saw it on my parent's and Greg and Brenda's face during the wedding. You could see the pride and happiness. I could feel Heaven as our two families circled Joe and Jess in prayer during the wedding. It felt powerful to hear her dad and mine pray for their life together. I've learned lately how much power there is in circling something or someone in prayer so I know their was power and greatness in that Souders and Loftus prayer circle. For so many years we watched Jessica and Joey do life together. They faced really big highs and really hard lows and there was a time when we weren't sure how their story would end but in that moment we all believed God can redeem any situation and that God had redeemed theirs in the best possible way.

 

The moment though that I saw Heaven the most was during the first dance. I'm the first to admit the first dance is always sweet but it's not like you pay attention for that long. But this dance had everyone in the room watching. And it wasn't because they came up with some coordinated routine or they looked like ballroom fancy dancers. It was because my brother was singing to Jessica the whole time. And something about that moment found me holding my breath and crying tears of happiness. Then I realized that everyone around me felt the same way I did. You could see on both of their faces the love we all strive for. I think everyone wanted to be loved as much as Jessica loved Joey in that moment and everyone wanted to love someone as much as Joey loved Jessica in that moment. I also think in that moment everyone could have felt a little jealous, but I don't think anyone did. I think for me it made me want to strive harder and pray circles around the promises from God that I will have that kind of love in my life one day.

 

I read a book years ago that talked about what Heaven would be like. And the author said he hoped it was like a wedding. Lots of laughing, dancing, wine and love. I hope that too and now I'm confident Heaven will be a lot like the day my brother married his bride.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

A Lot Like Love

I have this theory. Or maybe it's one of my weird quirks, but if I date someone, no matter if it's one date or 10 dates, after it's over I have to get rid of the bad juju. Weird right?


We all know I love to eat out so when given the choice if I'm planning a date (which I'm always doing lately because I live in the dating world of "whatever you want to do") I want to go to my favorite places which causes a problem in my brain later. Why? Because now when I think of that place the last time I went there was either on a bad date or on a good date that didn't pan out. So as soon as either one of those things happen I immediately try to revisit those places with someone I love to remove my bad date (or bad relationship) juju. 


This last guy, although short lived, I can't get out of my brain. It's like the bad juju is following me everywhere and I can't shake it. I went to all the places we went (minus one because it's expensive and in Clayton and although it was wonderful I don't know anyone who would eat bone marrow with me and split a $65 bottle of wine so I'll just avoid it until the end of time). But still here he is. Invading my thoughts. And making days that would just be normal pleasant days a little bit grey.


And because I'm me, I have to over analyze and then psycho analyze why I'm feeling this way. And I think I figured it out. It's because he genuinely talked to me. He wanted to know me, the real me. Probably for the first time in 6 years I was completely just me with somebody other than my friends and family. I said what I thought and felt at every turn. I was open and honest about everything. I was vulnerable. It felt great. So obviously the fact that the real me, the vulnerable me, the me that laid it out on the table was rejected might just take a little time to get over. And I should probably give myself a break about it.


I promised myself that this season of life was about love. And me beating myself up over the could haves and should haves is not love. Me wishing for something to be different is not love. Me letting my days be crabby because of this situation is not love.


When I was in the midst of this short lived situation I felt happy and wonderful. And part of that was of course, because of him and the way he was treating me. But I also think a part of why I felt that way was because of me. Because I was completely and totally me. So I'm reaching for that girl again. I'm finding her and nurturing her voice, her honesty and her truth. Because that for sure looks a lot like love.


You know what else looks a lot like love? Buying myself some flowers. Cause I'm worth it!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Becoming Love

Change is so hard for me. Transition is so hard for me. But do you know what's worse? Being stuck. Stuck in a pattern of life you can't seem to get out of. Stuck in a mindset that always invades your thoughts. Wanting to move forward but not knowing how or where to start. But about a month ago I took the first small step into a new season of life.

 

If I'm honest with myself the last season of my life would probably be called Lonely, Lazy and Loveless... And I put myself there. I willingly stepped into that season and let it consume me. While it was happening I knew I was getting deeper into it, but I just rode the wave down. I hadn't truly had a season like this since my early 20's. My anxiety was building over everyday things. The depression that I hadn't seen since that time was invading it's way back in from time to time. But this time was different than the last time. Because although it invaded I was still in control. I looked my Anxiety, Loneliness and Depression square in the eyes and said hello. I acknowledged them every time they showed up. And I felt everything they made me feel without shame. And then I would do everything in my power to usher them out the door. I would let those feelings wash through me and over me but I would never let them stay. But of course one night, the dam broke. Because you can only fight something by yourself for so long. Luckily my sister was there to pull me into her boat. Sometimes you just need someone to say they understand.

 

So as of this past Saturday I officially said "Peace Out" to that season of life and am fully embracing the new season. I was going to call this new season Becoming. But after already being in it for 3 days I've decided it's going to be called Becoming Love. Because in the 3 days I've been with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew I've seen love and lots of it. It's all about becoming my best self, loving myself, and loving the people that surround me. (And if some romantic love came in the picture I wouldn't object to that at all...) This season feels like joy already.

 

I read recently that the words you use become the house you live in. So Becoming Love is the house I want to live in. What house do you want to live in?