Ingrained In My Soul

One of the best things I've ever done for myself and my faith was to start working with the student ministry at Christ Church. I'm at the beginning of my 3rd year of volunteering with them. And I love it. I, with my amazing friend Caitlin, lead the senior girls. Every week it's a new adventure.

Sometimes it's hard. Hard because my 31 year old self still remembers what it's like to be a teenage girl navigating through life and faith. Hard because there are questions I sometimes don't know the answers to. Hard because although I can remember being a teenager, I wasn't a teenager living in a social media world which only adds to the pressure of being a girl and keeping your beliefs and morals intact.

But mostly it's rewarding. It's rewarding seeing the girls love Jesus with their whole hearts. It's rewarding when they answer a question and I realize how grounded their faith is. It's rewarding when I see them reach out to each other in ways you do when only complete trust is there. It's rewarding watching them be completely themselves and you know they feel like they're in a "safe place" when they're with you.

I'm always looking to improve the ways we lead the group. Looking for ways to be more vulnerable with the girls so they in turn will be more vulnerable with us. I'm always hunting for new ideas to equip them for life outside of our group. I want to challenge them and prepare them as much as possible for next year when I won't see them once a week. I know most of them will go away to school and our goal has always been for them to leave us with a love for Jesus that can get them through life, because life is hard.

This year I started something new. Every week after our fearless leader Robb finishes the lesson we break into small groups. He gives us questions to go over. But before we start in with the questions Caitlin and I hand everyone a blank note card and some markers. We then give them a verse to write down. I read it slowly, they write it out, then because we're girls we, of course, decorate the note card to make it cute. They decorate while we go through the lesson questions. Then at the end they take the verse home with them.

Caitlin and I tell them that we want them to put it up somewhere. Somewhere they'll see it every day. Somewhere they'll read it every day. Car, bedroom door, bathroom mirror, etc. Our hope is that these verses became ingrained in their souls. That at times of good and times of bad they will remember that God is in control. At times of light and dark they will remember that God loves them. That their soul will always be able to find peace even in unrest because these verses will shape their outlook and complement their faith.

The funny thing that has happened though is that every week while the girls write out the verse, I write it out also. Then every Wednesday night when I get home I grab some tape and climb up on my bathroom sink (short people problems) and place the newest verse up around my bathroom mirror where I'll see it everyday. And every day while I brush my teeth and wash my face I read the verses. Suddenly those are the verses that are getting me through crabby moments at work. Those are the verses that are getting me through feeling discouraged about my dating life. Those verses are the verses that I read over and over on Sunday evening while praying for friends whose hearts are breaking with grief right now. Those verses that I hoped would become ingrained in the girls souls are the verses that are becoming ingrained in mine.

My bathroom mirror

Isn't it funny how God works? My goal was to encourage the girls and get as much scripture as possible to permeate their hearts but in turn it's done the same for me.

Signed: #christchurchgirlslovinggod

A Dating Update

Some lovely friends of mine have been asking for an update lately.

My summer was all weird dating experiences so I'll give a rundown of the gentleman I met.

The Lawyer- I was originally impressed with him right out of the gate. We talked for a couple days and then he asked to meet up for a drink. We decided to meet at Global Brew. As soon as I saw him I knew it probably wouldn't be a love connection cause he was not my type and I don't think I was his. But there didn't seem to be anything wrong with having a drink and making a connection even if it was just as friends. Apparently I was wrong... As soon as the waitress brought my drink and said that it was $5 he immediately looked out the window pretending to be completely interested in the bird that just flew by, basically to avoid paying. (Sidenote: I am more than capable of buying my own drinks, but I think that if someone asks me out they should most definitely pay. Or at least not fake seeing something out the window to avoid paying. You all may not agree with that, but I am daily around great men who have always told me that chivalry is not dead. Part of being a man is providing so I fully expect that if YOU ask me on a date you will step up to the plate, be a man, and provide. End rant.) Things just got weird from there. He bragged about how much he travels for work and how much money he makes. I continued to bring the conversation to neutral easy topics. Then he acted like it was ridiculous that I started at my job as a teller and through hard work moved up the ladder. Apparently no one is anyone who hasn't just walked right into a management position somewhere. Needless to say I drank my one drink very fast. As we're leaving we walk out to the elevator and I press the down button. He then says "It was nice meeting you, but I'm taking the stairs." Obviously I was so repulsive that he couldn't even ride the elevator one floor down with me. I looked back at him and said, "No worries, I'll just wait right here and wait for you to leave the building so we don't have to see each other downstairs." And that was The Lawyer.

The Financial Analyst- I actually went on three dates with this guy. They were all decent dates. He was nice, funny and we had a good time together. The problem was I wouldn't hear from him at all between the dates that were all at least a week a part if not a couple. So basically I always felt like I was a side thought or option. He didn't treat me badly when we were together and he was nothing but respectful, but there were literally no phone calls or texts in between except to arrange a date. And before anyone asks, yes I did reach out to him. But he would reply to my texts with one word or sentence and usually hours later. And the one time I tried to call him to have an actual conversation he didn't answer. So yeah... I don't want to be smothered by any means, but hearing from someone in between dates is a definite must.

The Grad Student- This is the perfect example of most of my interactions while online dating. We started talking back and forth. He seemed to have lots of the qualities I'm looking for. We talked for a couple weeks. Long extensive messages. Lots of joking and lots of "Oh cool! Me too!". But he never made any move to ask me out or imply that a date was ever going to be in the works. I literally had the coolest and most fun pen pal ever! I could justify the pen pal thing for awhile because he was busy with grad school... And obviously living 5 min away from me made things extra super difficult to meet up because of that long drive to see each other. (Can you sense my sarcasm???) And then basically he just quit talking to me. As in one message we're talking about brunch and then the next message... Crickets. I guess he didn't like that my favorite brunch food is crab cake benedict? Who knows?

Every Other Guy- Any halfway normal guy that I've started talking to just quits talking out of the blue. And all the other messages I get are from weirdos. These are the opening lines most commonly used these days:
"Hot"
"You in a little black dress. Me taking you on the most romantic date of your life." (I've gotten this same message from the same guy 4 times this summer. He has no picture up. I assume every time that he's a serial killer.)
"Wanna chat?"
"Wanna hang out?"
"How do you feel about guys who like feet?" (I've gotten this message three different times from the same guy.)
"Sexy"
"Hi"

This is what I'm working with. I joke about it a lot, but if I'm being completely honest it's been hard lately. I'm trying to do my absolute best to have patience. I'm doing my absolute best to trust that God is in control. But it's hard. It's hard to trust. It's hard to not feel like the absolute one thing I want most in life is never going to happen. It's hard not to be discouraged. But I'm trying my best. Trying to concentrate on doing things that make me happy, surrounding myself with people that love me, and searching out new people and new experiences. I'm hoping that if I do those things they will one day lead me to the man that I'll spend the rest of my life with.

Signed: Have a little faith...

Living Life in the Gray

I tend to be an all or nothing person. I don't do things halfway.

And I'm kind of realizing that's not necessarily a good thing. Because when you're all in you tend to get burnt out. Exhausted. You give up. You tend to beat yourself up after one mistake or slip up.

I either eat clean or I eat junk.

I either workout 5 days a week or I don't work out at all.

I either keep everything in it's place or I'm a messy disaster.

I either like you or I don't.

I'm either excited about a date or I'm not.

I'm either blogging a couple times a week or not at all.

I'm either reading my Bible and doing devotions everyday or I'm not submerged in the Word at all.

Is anyone else like this? Or is it just me?

So how and where do I find balance? How do I move myself from an all or nothing to someone who can do things halfway. Life is not black and white. My feelings and emotions and motivations don't have to be black and white. Gray is good. Gray means balance.

And that's what I'm striving for now.

Gray.

Balance.

Signed: How do you find balance in your life?

Back to Reality

Vacation was ah-mazing! So relaxing. So fun. So lovely.

But here's the problem... Since we've been home I've kept my vacation state of mind. Obviously I've been working, but other then that I've continued to relax every night after work aka I've been realllll lazy. I've eaten out almost every meal aka not eating healthy at all. And on top of that Lindsay and I have been planning to switch bedrooms since before vacation and every time we've had plans to do it something has come up aka I'm living in limbo because half my room is packed up.

My life is unbalanced and out of whack!

As much as I loved vacation I'm not in Cancun anymore. I'm in Edwardsville. I've got to pull it together. I've felt so blah and my self-esteem is in the crapper. I know that's a direct correlation between eating crap food and being lazy. It's got to stop!

Today I'm getting out of limbo.

Today I'm going grocery shopping.

Today I'm getting stuff done.

Today I'm bringing myself back to reality.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Signed: This girl cannot and will not be a hot mess anymore!

The Cure For Anything...

About 4 years ago around this time I was still reeling from the biggest loss of my life. I was still full on in the grieving process and didn't think I'd ever make it out and find "normal" again. About this time the friends and I were in the middle of planning our first Friend Family Vacation. This vacation brought me back to life.

It was our second day on the beach in Destin, FL. It was so hot out and so beautiful. We were swimming and laughing in the ocean and I suddenly got teary. For the first time since December 2009, I felt joy. Joy that I was alive. Joy that I had people in my life that loved me. Joy that life would be ok. Joy at knowing I finally felt like I was allowed to be happy and live a good life because that was what Matty would have wanted for me.

Destin, FL 2010

The next year we took our 2nd Friend Family Vacation to Ft Lauderdale, FL. When we left for that trip I was feeling much more myself, but needless to say I hadn't got back into the dating world again yet. The thought of meeting someone new was overwhelming and although I had been working out lots and had lost weight I was feeling all kinds of insecure. I decided before we left that I was leaving all the crap at home and was so excited to just be with my friends. A week of laughs, sunshine, and the ocean once again brought be back to life. Suddenly I had confidence. Confidence in myself to be flirty. Confidence in myself to dress cute. Confidence in my crazy curly hair. Confident that it was time to start dating again.

Cute Boys in Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

Best Friends Ft Lauderdale, FL 2011

The summer after that we took our first BIG family vacation, a 7 day cruise. We were celebrating my dad's retirement and this was the first vacation we took since reuniting with Sara. Our whole trip was definitely full of making lots of memories! It was a care free week of family time and it was much needed. I left that trip feeling so much love. Love for my family. Love for making memories. Love for 7 course meals. And a newfound love for chocolate melting cake. 

Family Pictures Take 5 2012

Grand Cayman Beach 2012

Last summer Lindsay and I wanted to take a vacation but it wasn't a good time for the Friend Family so we decided to go by ourselves! We found a travel agent and booked a trip to Riviera Maya. I was so excited for a week of relaxing. My life was in transition during that time so a week of sand and sun was just what I needed. I came home refreshed and super relaxed. It was a great week.

Besties and Roomies 2013

Storm Clouds Moving Out 2013

Reading By The Pool 2013

So here I am only 3 days out from another trip to the ocean and I can't wait. I need a break from life, a break from continuous technology, a break from work, and a break from worrying about anything. I'm ready for my only priority to be finishing my current beach read and deciding on the next fruity drink to order. I'm ready to unwind and refocus on what brings me joy, what makes me confident and what brings me love. 

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea." 

Signed: Cancun here I come!!!

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Where have I been??? Seriously why must I royally SUCK at keeping up with my blogging. I have no good reason or excuse except that I just haven't taken the time to do it. So on that note...

I went on a date last Sunday. And it was the most horrible 50 mins ever.

Actually I'll give the guy some credit, while I was sitting in the parking lot and saw him first pull up, it wasn't bad. Then he got out of his SUV and I knew we would probably not be a match. But I am me and I've been trying really hard lately to look beyond my checklist and step out of my box so I figured one afternoon and a couple drinks wouldn't do me any harm. I was wrong.

If I wrote all the gory details it would take forever so I guess I'll just give the highlight reel:
*I was asked what my salary was.
*I was asked how much I had in liquid assets.
*I was not complimented once but watched him check out the waitress and then comment on her "rocking hot body".
*I was told his parent's are "extremely wealthy" so money isn't an issue and hasn't been his whole life.
*I was asked to go to a hotel so we could "play".
*Then I was asked if Lindsay and I are lesbians and/or if we share men. When I said no to both he then said hearing anymore about my roommate was pointless because she is of no use to him now.
*I was told his two German Shepards are man eaters and will kill anyone on command.

And this is about the moment the date was over. Thank goodness!

Everyone has asked if I went off on him but honestly while it was actually happening I was in such shock that I didn't really react at all. As I drove home though I got more and more upset about his behavior. I'd never been treated like that before. Ever. I'd never been around anyone so arrogant and so entitled in my whole life. It was crazy! I felt dirty and unsettled the rest of the night. In fact, I still feel a little unsettled right now.

So after a date so bad where do I go from here? Honestly I have no idea and I've felt like I'm at a loss all week. It's made me a bit more leery of doing online dating. It's a little more scary to me now. Just how someone could be so nice and normal and then be a complete and total creep in an instant.

So I think it's time to spend a couple weeks reflecting and praying. Focusing on what I want and what makes me happy. And reminding myself not to compromise on what I want, but also to keep my heart open.

Signed: Is this real life?

Throw Your Plans Out The Window

Have you ever been able to look back on your life and exactly pinpoint the moment that everything changed?

My dad did that for me on Easter Sunday. I was at lunch with mom, dad and Joe. We were talking about church and how good the service had been that morning. We were mostly chatting about how much we all love being a part of Christ Church (mom and dad with the CM campus, me with the youth and Joe with softball). We were also talking about how thankful we were for all the good friends we've made and how the church has brought so many good people and experiences into our lives.

And then my dad said something that I can't quit thinking about, "Just think, if I would have gotten the Triad job we wouldn't be where we are today." That one statement blew me away.

About 10 years ago (maybe 8 or 11) my dad was working as the Asst Superintendent of the Triad School District. His best friend was the superintendent and had decided to retire. It seemed only natural that my dad would get his job. For reasons I still don't understand, he didn't. To say it was a slap in the face to my family would be an understatement. You see, my dad is the greatest educator I've ever known. No one loves teaching more than him. There is no one kinder or more generous than my dad. I was insulted and hurt (possibly more than him). I had always planned on my parent's living in Troy forever. I wanted to live in Troy forever. It is a great community filled with great people (contrary to what you see/read on the Troy fb page) and I couldn't imagine my family living anywhere else.

To make a long story short, my dad worked in two great districts after that. He bounced back from not getting the job. He got to end his career surrounded by amazing teachers and working with an amazing school board. My parent's moved to Fairview and live in a great neighborhood. But I, still kind of held a grudge. My plans for my family were ruined by a group of 7 people and I still was a little bitter about it.

Then in one sentence spoken by my dad on an Easter Sunday 10 years later my grudge turned into grateful. I know we never would have decided to go to Christ Church if my parent's hadn't moved to Fairview. One decision by a group of 7 people completely changed the trajectory of my faith walk. One decision by a group of 7 people put some of the greatest friends I've ever had in my life. One decision by a group of 7 people means that every Wed and every other Sun I get to hang with the coolest and smartest high school kids I know. One decision changed my path in one of the most significant ways possible. The word "no" was turned into the biggest "yes" my family has ever said.

That God of ours, He knows what He's doing.

Signed: After 31 years I'm still blown away by how much I'm not in control.

The Problem With Texting

I went on a date earlier this week. It was a guy I met online which seems to be the only way to meet people anymore.

I feel like my whole experience with this guy is a perfect example of how technology makes dating much harder than it used to be.

Since we met online obviously we started out with messages back and forth. From there he asked for my number and we dove straight into texting. Lots of texting. For a couple weeks, only texting. He skirted around the idea of a date a couple times, but he never came out and asked me out. It was always asking me what I was doing and then saying how extremely busy I was. But never actually asking me out. He did end up calling me one night and we talked for awhile. Again, I didn't get asked out.

(Side Note: I'm sure some of you are thinking that I should have asked him out myself or called him or taken control. I'm sorry, but I'm old school and not doing that. I've tried it before and that doesn't work for me. The guy I want to be with will be a take control kind of guy and won't need me to ask him out.)

Finally after another week of texting he asked if I wanted to "hang out" and get a drink. (Yes, I got the "hang out" question which has become the oh so popular way of asking someone out.) I told him I would go on a date with him to get a drink.

We made plans to meet in Soulard for a drink.

(Second Side Note: I actually went on a date with a really nice guy awhile ago. He lived in St Louis and was more than willing to drive to my house, pick me up, and take me to dinner here in Edwardsville. He was a super cool guy and we had a lot of fun. It wasn't good timing for us, but he definitely was a true gentleman. He showed me what an actual good date looks like. Needless to say he moved my dating bar up. If you don't believe you meet people for a reason this is my perfect example of that.)

Soulard is about 30 mins away from my house. Which is no big deal if we were meeting in the middle, but it was only 5 mins from his house. So... Why was I doing all the driving?

I showed up right on time and he was already there. As I walked in he didn't get up, didn't hug me (which is what people usually do), didn't even shake my hand. And the first thing he said to me was some sarcastic comment about how he assumed I would be late because I'm a girl. *sigh*

The date wasn't terrible. It just wasn't awesome. Honestly I could have been having drinks with anyone. Nothing about it felt like a date at all. He gave no indication that he was into me. He was sarcastic most of the evening. He never once complimented me on anything (not that I need a million compliments but one tiny little compliment would have made me feel a little better about how things were going). He paid for my 2 drinks. We went home. I heard from him a little the next day, but nothing since.

So here is the thing. I'm confident he wasn't into me. That's ok because I wasn't into him. But the biggest problem is that before we got together our conversation flowed easily. Was that because it was through text? I would assume so. Through text his sarcastic comments were followed by a ":)" so I didn't find them awkward or rude. I'm sure he would have some complaint about me. I don't want to seem like I have no flaws and am perfect at dating... I have flaws and I'm still feeling my way blindly through the dating scene. I just really think the weeks of texting made us feel closer than we really were. It made us both start to like the person we encountered through these texts and not the real person. When we got together it felt like an awkward let down. You can only talk about so much through texting and through texts we were both witty, light, and easy going. In person we weren't compatible at all. It's disappointing.

I just think all in all, we're going about this dating thing wrong. I think light texting is ok, but phone calls would be better. I think first dates should happen as soon as possible because the only way you can figure out if you really like someone or click with someone is in person. Texting or constant emails back and forth seem so fake. You can't feel chemistry or attraction through a couple sentences of bad spelling and not punctuation.

Do you agree with this?

Have you ever had this same experience?

Non-single friends, what's your opinion on dating these days?

Dating is such a learning experience for me and I'm trying to better with each new person I go out with. But I'm not going to lie, I'm ready for a first date to lead to more dates instead of leading to nothing.

Signed: The girl who is searching for Mr. Right For Me! Where are you???

The Struggle is Real

I love food. I love to cook. I love inventing new recipes. I love feeding my family. I love entertaining. If I won the lottery tomorrow after putting in the time to make sure that my office was taken care of and everyone was trained properly I would quit my job and go to culinary school. Probably in Tuscany.

If you are anything like me you understand that the struggle to diet is a real struggle for me. Not because I can't give up taco bell and pepsi (although that's hard too, but probably more so because of all the chemicals I've become addicted to in fast food and the sugar that has a tendency to rule your life in soda) but because I love food. It's hard for me to eat things plain jane. It's hard for me to just eat chicken breasts and green beans. (If only I could lose weight by eating my bruschetta chicken with fresh buffalo mozzarella melted on top of it and a side of garlicky green beans... *sigh*)

I love to eat out. But I'm not talking chain restaurants. I'm talking about the amazing local restaurants that cook with fresh ingredients, use lots of veggies, only have farm raised and antibiotic free meat, but also tend to use heavy cream and lots of bacon (in everything).

So although this is definitely a first world problem, the struggle is real for me.

I think I've lost about 8lbs in the past couple weeks. Honestly I'm head over heels in love with Advocare. Their vitamins and supplements have made me feel better than I've felt in years, but I probably would be down more lbs if I was being much more strict with myself. But I have to find balance. I can't live in one extreme or the other. I have to live in the middle.

What does that mean? To me it means that I have to keep laying off the fast food and soda or other sugary drinks, including starbucks (I told you the struggle was real!). It means I'm eating at home everyday for lunch. It means Linds and I cook dinner most nights during the week. Dinners that include more veggies and less pasta or carbs. It means I keep getting up at 6am everyday to start my morning with a workout and that I need to start adding gym time in the evenings to do weights and a bit more cardio. It means when I do eat out I need to be eating at only the local restaurants that I love and I know where their ingredients come from. It means I'll still eat dairy because my goodness goat cheese and bleu cheese are my two favorite ingredients. It means I will probably keep drinking red wine when I'm out to dinner. It also means I can take my love for cooking and use the organic produce delivery we get every week and do something super creative with it.

I need to keep pushing forward. Keep loving myself. Keep carrying myself with confidence. Keep realizing that it doesn't matter if I weight 130lbs or 300lbs, that this body is mine forever and it's capable of love and generosity. But in that very same nature this body is mine forever and I need to take care of it and respect it.

Life can't be lived in one extreme or the other. A good life is lived with balance.

Signed: The girl who is searching every day for her balance.

Treat Yourself Tuesday

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and I keep running across this idea of "Treat Yourself Tuesday".

I've decided I love it! And I'm implementing it in my life. It's especially perfect because Tuesday is my weigh in day so there couldn't be a better day to treat myself a little bit.

I think as women we tend to not treat ourselves very often... Or ever! And I think that just plain sucks! I don't know why we do this. Why we tend to put everyone and everything above doing something a little nice for ourselves? Literally every women I know does this. And it doesn't seem to get any better the older we get. It seems that as soon as we have kiddos treating ourselves goes completely out the window. (I know I don't have children yet so I am in no way shape or form judging anyone who does have kids...I'm just making an observation.) But you know what I think? I think everyone deserves to treat themselves to something good or nice or whatever makes them happy. So I'm on a personal mission to start making the women around me do that!

What did my first Treat Yourself Tuesday look like? It looked like 11 hours of work where I was stuck in walmart and couldn't even leave for lunch. Obviously that posed a problem, so this is what I did: Since I was in walmart I was able to get the ingredients to try and replicate my favorite salad. I may have made it and ate it out of a paper bowl in our vault room, but because it had egg and prosciutto in it, I was treating myself. And tonight (as I'm writing this) I'm sitting on the couch with a face mask on. (If I wasn't on Day 8 of my cleanse I would definitely be enjoying a glass of wine but... No wine for me tonight!) I felt like I had a little extra pep in my step today because I knew I was coming home to a face mask tonight and had a delicious healthy lunch. I think my first Treat Yourself Tuesday was a success!

Here is my challenge to all of you: Start doing a Treat Yourself Tuesday! And then comment on my Treat Yourself Tuesday blogs with what you did. I'd love to hear how you all treat yourself and what makes you happy. I'll also be posting my stuff on Instagram with #treatyourselftuesday (jess_loftus) and also on Twitter (messiejessie2). Also, encourage the women closest to you to participate too! We all deserve it!

Advocare Update: I'm officially down 4.4lbs (In 7 days! I'll take it!). I have TONS of energy and feel better than I've felt in months. The healthy eating is getting much easier but today was a bit of a challenge because all the bad food I wanted was right in front of me. I stayed strong though and didn't fall off the wagon. So far, Advocare is a success for me!

Signed: The girl who is learning to love herself a little bit more everyday.

I'm baaaaaack

Geeeeez, I completely suck and have fallen off the writing wagon lately. I'm not going to sit here and make excuses as to why I've been so lazy but instead I'll just give the bullet points of what's been going on in my life.

Since I last wrote a blog:
*I turned 31. Crazy! It doesn't feel any different.
*I've lost like 10ish lbs. (More on that later.)
*I had a super fun weekend at the Lake with Linds (the bestie/roommate) and Courtney (the bestie from work).
*I went to a youth conference with some of the students from church. So good and uplifting!
* I got SUPER sick! Like more sick than I've been in a long time. It was miserable.
*Linds, my sis, bro in law, some friends of their's and I booked a trip to Jamaica in October! Woop! So Cancun in June and Jamaica in October... Can't wait!!!
*I've been on 3 first dates and no second dates. Blah! All of them were a bust but two have pretty good stories so I'll definitely write about those soon.

And I think that's the highlights... Life's been good. I'm so ready for some warm weather though.

So what's the current project/goal? Advocare. I started their 24 Day Challenge last Tuesday. And it's going good so far. Although I have to admit Days 5 and 6 (yesterday and today) I've been craving pretty much every bad food I can think of. Can you say Taco Bell and cheesy pizza??? But I've stuck with it and can already tell a bit of a difference in my body and just my overall energy. I took before pics and will take the after pics and post them when I'm all done. (Oh and to make me completely neurotic I'm also logging my food through weight watchers. Only I would be eating clean but logging my points while doing it.) Basically I want to lose weight and I'm hoping this kicks me into gear and gets me to start clean eating 90% of the time.

The other goal is to WRITE MORE!!!

Signed: The girl who needs to get back to what she loves.

The Day I Got Rid Of My Scale

This morning after weighing myself I handed Lindsay (my rommie and best friend) my scale and told her to put it somewhere I wouldn't see it. Because for the next 12 weeks I'm not weighing myself. I'm going to eat healthy, do all my workouts, and not weigh myself the entire time.

I know that can seem a little intense. And I'm sure you're wondering why I can't just leave my scale on my bathroom floor and not weigh myself. But my friends, it's not that easy for me.

7 years ago I was working for LA Weight Loss and was the skinniest I had ever been in my adult life. I felt good. I looked good. And I was completely neurotic about weighing myself.

You see, I knew more about healthy eating and nutrition than most people and I was losing weight the healthy way. I was also counseling people to lose weight themselves. And I loved it. I loved getting to know people on a one on one basis. I loved helping them. I loved coming up with yummy creative and healthy meals for them. I especially loved when people were stuck in their weight loss and we would come up with a plan to break through their plateau and then having them burst into the office the next week having lost a couple pounds. It was probably the most satisfying job I've ever had because I could physically see the difference I was making in people's lives. But all good things come with a price and the price for me was that it was an intense sales job and I didn't necessarily believe in the supplements and expensive products they were pushing us to sell. And also it made me a complete crazy person when it came to weighing myself. And when I say crazy I mean off the chain crazy...

I would weigh myself in the morning at home right when I woke up, on the work scale when I got to work, after lunch, and then again before bed. (Ahhhhhh!!!! It feels so good to admit that.)

So I looked good. I felt good. But was a crazy person and obsessed with the number on the scale...

When I got my current job at First Community it was in a walmart branch which means that every delicious thing I ever wanted was right there. White nacho cheese, chips, soda, frozen pizza, and many other lovely but terrible for you items. And that's when my weight moved up and the string of diets began, and each time my obsession with the scale came back. I feel like I spent my first 3 years at the credit union gaining and losing the same 20lbs. And then at the end of 2009 when I went through some really hard personal stuff I gained a ton of weight. Then I lost a lot of it and then I gained it again. And the whole time I was obsessed with the scale.

Recently I've been thinking about all of this and what it means for me and who I am. And you know what I've realized? I'm letting the scale control me. A piece of metal, plastic, and electronic equipment is controlling me. Controlling me with a number. A number that I'm letting determine my self-worth. And that's just ridiculous. God didn't create me to let me be controlled by a number. It doesn't matter if I (or you) weight 120lbs or 300lbs we all still mean something. And what matters more than any of that is that I am healthy and you are healthy. So that's where the next 12 weeks come in.

12 weeks of eating healthy. 12 weeks of cardio (moving more) everyday. 12 weeks of Tone It Up workouts. 12 weeks to a better, stronger, happier me who isn't controlled by a number on a scale.

So I'm asking you to join me! Even if you aren't quite as obsessed with your scale as I am, I think it will be good to put it out of your mind and focus on a healthy body. And as long as you're eating healthy and moving more the number on the scale will never matter.

Who's in for 12 weeks to a better you???

Signed: Sorry I've been MIA for a couple weeks. But I'm back! :)