Forgiveness

I think this blogpost is going to be kind of hard to write because it doesn't show me in the perfect light, but I feel like I need to write it. So here we go...

During the 8 years that Matt and I were dating we had a lot of good times and a lot of happy memories. But we also had our fair share of drama. And this drama almost always centered around other girls. If you didn't know Matt, I think the best way to describe him was charismatic. He was funny, friendly, so out going and when you had his attention you truly felt like you were the only person that mattered. So add to that the many bands he was in and you have the absolute worst scenario for trying to be in a serious relationship. And add into that the fact that I'm kind of a jealous person who always used to jump to the worst conclusions and you have the perfect storm. But this blogpost isn't about him and me because most of that stays with me. This blogpost is about me and every other girl that he dated...

I would love to sit here and be able to say that they were all horrible people who threw themselves at him and were rude and nasty and terrible to me. And in some cases I think that would be an accurate description, but not in all cases and probably not in most of the cases. Because there were times that I was rude and nasty to them. There were times that I was an ultimate mean girl. I ruined relationships. I never  gave anyone a chance. I talked bad about them to anyone who would listen. And I did it all out of jealousy and desperation. And I'm sorry.

Earlier this week I was emailing back and forth with a girl that used to date Matt. Her and I used to be completely not nice to each other. But yet, here we are now, emailing every once in awhile to catch up. She lives half a world away and is in a great relationship. It makes me happy to know that she's happy. I brought up to her that one time Matt and I had a conversation about her. He told me that her and I were a lot alike and that he knew if we had met without him in the middle of it we probably would have been good friends. And now after knowing the real her, I know that is completely true. I told her that and she said this to me, "I'm sure Matt is thankful that we speak, I am…it just takes so much energy to hold grudges and forgiveness feels so good."

She's so right, forgiveness feels so good. It feels so much better than hate. So this is me, letting go of all that crap from the past. Letting go of every bitter, rude and hateful remark every made to me. Every eye roll or nasty comment. And this is me saying I'm sorry for the part that I played in all that. This is me saying I wish that I could go back and get to know those girls for who they really were and not immediately judging them and turning them into monsters because they fell for the same rockstar that I did. 

Most of these girls will probably never read this and I'm sure some of them would tell me where I can shove my apology. But that's ok. I've always believed that forgiveness is more internal than external. 

But if you are a girl that I was ever mean to, please forgive me. I've forgiven you. And I've forgiven myself.

Signed: Growing every day.